How to show you’re paying attention when someone is speaking: ask questions, summarize, and reflect

The Three Moves That Show You’re Really Listening: A Doula’s Guide to Attentive Communication

Let me ask you something. When you’re with a birthing person, what tells you that you’ve really got their back beyond kindness and a soft voice? The truth is simple and powerful: attentive listening isn’t a single move. It’s a trio of actions that, when combined, creates trust, safety, and clarity in a moment that can feel tense or uncertain. For doulas, these moves aren’t just nice-to-haves; they’re essential tools in your toolkit.

So, what demonstrates that a listener has been paying attention? The answer is straightforward and worth repeating: all of the above. Asking relevant questions, summarizing what the speaker said, and reflecting on what was conveyed—each step reinforces understanding, validates feelings, and keeps everyone on the same page. Let’s unpack why these three matter, how they show up in real life, and how you can weave them into your daily interactions with clients, partners, and the care team.

Why attentive listening matters in birth support

Birth is a dynamic, sometimes unpredictable journey. A doula’s job isn’t to steer the experience but to illuminate the path, help the person feel seen, and support informed choices. When you ask questions that matter, you invite the birthing person to share details that could influence how you support them—positions they prefer, sensations they want monitored, or rituals that bring comfort. When you summarize, you demonstrate that you’ve tracked the thread of their story and can articulate the main points back with accuracy. And when you reflect, you acknowledge their feelings, which can deflate fear and build confidence.

This trio creates a ripple effect: you reduce miscommunication, you bolster consent and collaboration, and you foster a sense of safety. In the heat of contractions or with a partner who’s anxious, these moves can be the difference between a tense moment and a connected moment where everyone feels heard.

A, B, C, and the “D” that matters most

Here’s the thing: those three actions—asking questions, summarizing, reflecting—aren’t mutually exclusive. They’re complementary. Here’s how each one plays out in a birth-support scenario:

• A. Asking relevant questions

What makes a question “relevant”? It’s curiosity that advances understanding without stepping on autonomy. It’s asking in a way that invites sharing rather than judgment. For example:

• “What helps you feel most supported right now—quiet space, gentle touch, or a familiar routine?”

• “Can you tell me what you’re noticing with this sensation and where it’s located?”

• “If we needed to make a switch in plan, what would be most important for you to hold onto?”

Asking questions shows you’re processing what you’re hearing and that you’re invested in tailoring your support to the person’s needs. It also invites the birth team—partner, nurse, or physician—to offer context, which can make the care more cohesive.

• B. Summarizing what the speaker said

Summarizing is like hitting the rewind button to confirm you captured the essence. It’s short, precise, and non-threatening. Think of it as a check-in that says, “This is what I heard; is that right?” Examples:

• “So you’d like to stay mobile, with intermittent monitoring, and you’re hoping for breaks between contractions. Did I miss anything?”

• “You’re feeling cooperative with the plan, but you’re concerned about how reduction in breaks might affect your energy.”

A good summary names the core points and any priorities the person has expressed. It signals that you listened deeply enough to condense their story into actionable notes for the team.

• C. Reflecting on what the speaker said

Reflection is the emotional echo. It acknowledges not just the facts but the feelings behind them. Examples:

• “Sounds like you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed by the pace of these contractions. It makes sense to want options that give you more control.”

• “You’re glad we’re keeping communication open with the nurse, and you’re worried about missing a cue during a shift change.”

Reflecting helps normalize emotions, validates experience, and builds a sense of safety. When done with sensitivity, it invites further sharing rather than shutting it down.

All of the above—A, B, and C—together create a listening loop that fosters clarity and connection. It’s not about being perfect; it’s about being present, curious, and responsive.

Practical ways to weave these moves into your doula conversations

You don’t need a fancy script to show you’re listening. You just need to blend these practices into your daily interactions. Here are some practical approaches that feel natural in the flow of care.

• Start with open-ended questions

Open-ended questions invite detail and nuance without forcing a yes/no answer. They’re friendlier to the natural rhythm of labor and also useful during prenatal check-ins. Examples:

• “What does comfort look like for you in the next hour?”

• “How would you describe the most important part of today’s plan?”

• “What’s the most helpful thing I can do for you right now?”

• Paraphrase and summarize

After you hear a section of the story, pause briefly and restate the gist. Then invite correction:

• “So you’re saying the main goal is to maintain mobility and avoid long periods of laying flat. Is that right?”

• “From what you’ve told me, your priority is to stay connected with your partner and to keep the room calm. Have I captured that correctly?”

This practice reduces miscommunication and gives the person a sense of agency over the narrative.

• Reflect feelings with warmth (not assumption)

Emotion words can be powerful, but avoid overstepping into presumption. Try phrases like:

• “It sounds like you’re feeling a bit anxious about what’s coming next.”

• “I hear how important it is for you to have a partner you trust by your side.”

The key is to validate without labeling emotions you aren’t certain about. If you’re unsure, you can ask a clarifying follow-up: “Are you feeling more relief than fear right now, or is there a different feeling to name?”

• Balance listening with gentle guidance

Good listening isn’t silence in service of your own thoughts; it’s a bridge to shared decision-making. After you listen and reflect, offer a concise, respectful suggestion or next step, but always loop back to their preference:

• “Would you like me to check in with the nurse about how we might adjust monitoring, or would you rather I hold off for a while and you tell me when you want support?”

• Use nonverbal listening cues

Nods, eye contact, soft posture, and a calm tone reinforce your words. The SOLER framework—Squarely facing the speaker, Open posture, Lean in slightly, Eye contact, Relaxed—can be a simple guide to stay grounded during conversations.

Common potholes to avoid (and how to fix them)

Even the best intentions can stumble into habits that derail connection. Here are two or three traps and quick fixes:

• Interrupting with solutions

It’s tempting to jump in with advice, especially when a situation feels urgent. But unless the person invites it, advice can feel heavy. If you sense a need for guidance, frame your input after listening fully: “Would you like me to offer a few options based on what you’ve said, or would you prefer I just listen for now?”

• Using medical jargon

Medical terms can be confusing or even intimidating. Translate when possible:

• Instead of “fetal heart rate variability,” say “how the baby’s heart rate changes over time” and ask if they want a quick explanation.

• Over-reliance on one technique

A single approach can feel robotic. Mix it up, alternate between questions, summaries, and reflections, and stay flexible to what the moment requires.

Short anecdotes and tangible takeaways

Stories stick, especially when they land in a familiar setting. Picture a labor room where the lights are soft, the hum of equipment is in the background, and a doula listens with intent. The birthing person says they’re tired and unsure how to handle the next set of contractions. The doula asks a gentle, open-ended question, then paraphrases the core needs, and finally reflects the emotion: “You’re feeling tired and a little anxious about what comes next. Let’s try a position change and a short breathing rhythm, and I’ll stay close so you’re never alone.” The room shifts—fear gets smaller, a plan forms, and trust grows.

That’s the beauty of well-timed listening. It’s part science, part art, part human moment. It reminds everyone that a birth story isn’t a solo journey; it’s a shared journey, and the listener’s role is to keep the map clear and the path not too rocky.

A few quick habits to adopt this week

• Practice active listening with everyone you meet, not just clients. The more you do it, the more natural it feels.

• Keep a tiny note card or a mental checklist: Questions, Summary, Reflection. If you can run through those three steps in the moment, you’ll be golden.

• Attend to your own energy and pace. You’ll be more effective when you’re rested and centered.

• Observe cultural nuances. People come from many backgrounds with diverse communication styles. “Listening” isn’t one-size-fits-all; it’s about sensitivity, patience, and curiosity.

A gentle invitation to reflect

Think about a recent conversation where you felt truly heard. What did the listener do that made you feel understood? Was it a question that sparked a memory, a summary that clarified the core idea, or a reflection that acknowledged how you felt in the moment? Chances are, it was a mix of all three, delivered with warmth rather than perfection.

For those working in birth support, this trio isn’t just a technique. It’s a daily practice that strengthens the core of your relationship with the people you serve. It helps you stay tuned to their priorities, to the subtle shifts in mood, and to the whispers of fear or hope that often accompany labor and birth. And yes, it makes the care feel less like a script and more like a compassionate collaboration.

The bottom line

All three moves—asking relevant questions, summarizing what was said, and reflecting on what was conveyed—jointly demonstrate attentive listening. In the context of doula work, they equip you to be more present, more responsive, and more empowering for the birthing person and their support network. They’re simple in concept, but they carry a lot of weight in practice. When you weave them into your conversations, you create a space where questions are welcomed, understanding is confirmed, and emotions are honored.

So next time you’re in conversation with a client or a member of the care team, lean into the three moves. Start with a thoughtful question, pause to summarize, then reflect the feelings you hear. If you can do that with consistency, you’re not just listening—you’re building Trust, the quiet backbone of exceptional birth support. And that makes all the difference in the world.